Current mood:

nervous

I wonder how I'm going to do this
I really do. I wonder if I'm just a whiny wuss or some such. I spent years on Paxil and it's assorted cousins for a panic disorder. Bad problems with them but at the time I thought that it was certainly better than the alternative. 2 or 3 years ago I found that the alternative had to be better than being on the pills so I went off them. Cold turkey. Something I wouldn't wish on my casual enemies. Worst enemies maybe, but my casual ones I like too much. Everything went fine. I'm doing things now that I never thought I would; singing in a professional opera, making money playing the piano, things like that. I've got more friends then ever before and I'm happy.

So why can't I make phone calls? Just can't. As my friend Jason will attest, I don't (read can't) make phone calls. I hardly call my own family because it is so hard for me to pick up the damn phone.

I come back to work after my operation and boss lady says that she can keep up on the daily balancing (which she can't, she takes the money home with her and does the balancing at night) and so what if I take over the school accounts.

Now the school accounts. They're kind of a special deal. We split our profit margin with schools that order their music from us. If we get 50% from our publishers, the schools get a 25% discount on there music, publishers give us 30% and schools get 15%. It's wonderful right? Anyway that we can help get more music in schools.

So I make a database of all the schools in the state, and some of the surrounding ones, and I mail out letters and I take orders and then I learn, which I really should have guessed except that we have someone else who takes care of accounts, that I will have to call all the schools with delinquent accounts. Boing! Heart in my throat. Oh, and by the way, would you call all the schools that you sent letters to. Boing! Oh, and will you call the publishers and make the orders and take care of return authorizations (story about that which makes me want to choke) and all that jazz. Boing!

How do it do it? I've been dragging my feet on a couple of other projects just so I won't have to do this? I know the worst that will happen. The schools will say no, the publishers will laugh at me after they hang up the phone, and neither of those things will affect me. What's the worst that could happen if I don't do this is losing my job, but it is so hard to make phone calls.